If I Should Not Fight With You…

I find it so hard not to fight with my boyfriend. It’s okay to argue and bicker a bit but I absolutely hate fighting with him. When we fight, it’s all out fighting. I yell at him and when I feel like I cannot take it anymore I start hitting and hurting him. Then we start to say bad things to each other. I really have no idea how to stop all this because we think on whole different levels.

I feel really sad about all of this. I can’t seem to have this connection with him. The kind of connection wherein I really don’t have to explain to him my priorities and the reasons why I do things that don’t really need his say. I am my own person and he is his own.

There must be some way to work this out.

It’s Been Right Under My Nose!

Damn. My bestfriend actually has the same goals as me when it comes to music. I cannot believe this!

And yet, it’s not too late.

Violence Against

This entry was supposed to be about school. And then I had to go and listen to At The Drive-In. Their song Invalid Litter Department really upset me. Not because I hated it. But more because I finally understand the song.

Everyday I acknowledge my need for music. Music is my drug, my addiction. I cannot live without music. And I have this dream: to be a rock star. Even if I know that I am not very good, I have this sincere desire to use it to make people aware of what’s going on in our world.

Anyway, going back to ATDI’s song. It speaks of the violence against women in Mexico. Women workers in American factories are raped, killed and are left in the desert to die and rot. The cases remain unresolved and many still seek justice for the deaths of their mothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, grandmothers, aunts. It breaks my heart to hear something going on like that. Well, the song was written a few years back but I don’t think there has been improvement. I’ll go check when I have more time.

I am really happy that one of the bands that I admire are using music to touch the social awareness of the people around them. Music has become this big institution. Many people are part of it: listeners, musicians, producers, record companies, etc. I am really proud to know that there are really some who take the power and publicity they have to make a difference, no matter how small.

I have been in and out of bands for the past couple of years. I guess I’m not moving forward in this dream is because I haven’t found the right set of band mates who share the same vision-mission as I have. If I really am to fulfill this dream, I have to stay true to what I wanna do and what I wanna say to the world.

*edit* I was in a hurry the last time I posted this entry that I forgot to add the video clip of ATDI’s song.

At The Drive-In – Invalid Litter Department

The Apathetic Student

I was once that kind of student who didn’t belong to any organization except the “default” group we had to join because of our chosen program. I had all the free time in my world since I had no activities to worry about, no meetings to attend, no members to follow up. I was a free student with little responsibility. It’s not that I don’t like having so much responsibility; I just hate being so busy and being so stressed out. And I just so happen to have a very low stress tolerance. Which is a good thing since I do not need a whole lot of stressing to know that my body, mind and soul already needs a break.

This year, I thought of stirring this up. I didn’t want to live a boring student life this semester. So I joined our organization’s musical production. Being part of Friends Forever has changed so many things for me this semester. I’ve been exhausted for the majority of the sem. I’m messing up my classes. I’m messing up my biological clock. I’m missing out on myself. But I’m also gaining theater experience. And lots of new friends, which is probably the best part.

I know that after this, it will be kind of a let-down for myself if I go back to being the apathetic student. I’ve been to the dark side and it’s not so dark after all. I actually enjoy doing something productive for once. I like being proud of myself–that even through all the sleepless nights and crappy grades, I’m making it through. And the best thing about all this is that some people think I’m actually a good performer. That makes things a little easier and lighter for me.

I think the apathy is slowly lifting. And I think it’s about time because I was starting to get a little too comfortable in my chair.

More Business

I was thinking about asking my mom to just loan me the capital which is less than Php5,ooo. Canvas shoes are really cheap and we’re using silk screening paint which is also cheap. But I guess I was scared of the responsibility. That was last month. Now I just want to run things. And yes, no one has ever succeeded on the first try. Everyone fails one way or another.

I guess I’ll be having a talk with my mom tonight. I hope things go well.

Getting Run Over

Yesterday, I had a very interesting encounter with a motorbike, a man, and a woman.

I got run over.

Yeah, it’s so stupid of me to run across the street when the light just turned green. And it was so stupid of them to go to the other lane when they were supposed to be in the right one which was only a few inches away. They suck and I suck. We all suck.

But me getting run over isn’t the really the issue here. When I told my boyfriend that I got run over, he said I seemed happy about it. And weirdly so, I think I felt happy to have gotten run over. And when I got run over, I remember that I felt more embarrassed than scared of dying of whatever. And when I saw my cuts and bruises I was more scared of my parents finding out that I went over to my boyfriend’s house than them finding out that I got run over.

I have some serious issues here that need to be attended to. Because I think that anyone who gets run over would be more scared of the possibility of dying than people remembering his/her face.

This is really wrong. I am really wrong.

I think I’m feeling a bit of post-traumatic stress. And I cannot tell anyone without my parents finding out. I’ve been shaking since yesterday and I want this to stop. I hate my tolerance for stress. I hate that I have to deal with this. But I have to. I really have to.

*edit* this boyfriend is already an ex. but I still feel that it was weird that I reacted that way.

Business with Mom

Oh goodness! I never thought that going into business was going to be so damn hard.

My mom and I just started a new business: hand painted shoes. My boyfriend, Jay, is the artist. My mom provides the capital and I do the marketing. Yes, I know that I said that we were going to start a health food business. But this is what happened. Just going with the flow.

Anyway, I thought that going into this business was going to give me a bit of independence. But I guess I thought wrong. I thought that the relationship between me and my mom would be business-like when we talk about plans but no…. I realized that my mom will probably never think of me more than someone who’s her daughter. She doesn’t treat me like a business partner or anything remotely close to that. I hate it so much. She asks me for my opinion on some decisions we have to make and I give them to her thinking that she’s going to take me seriously. Turns out, she doesn’t.

She asked me how we should go about selling the shoes. I told her that we should prepare some shoes that are already painted so transaction would be faster. She insisted that we should consult the costumer on what design he/she might want. I said whatever. Then I found out this morning that she called my uncle and asked his opinion. And then she wakes me up and tells me what he said which happens to be the exact same thing I friggin’ suggested.

Next, she asked me for the price. I told her P500.00 would be just fine for the shoes and the paint job. She thought it would be too expensive. Then she asked my best friend and he said P500.oo would be just right. She pondered his suggestion and seemed to take it.

Damn it! I hate being treated like this. I tried to tell her and she says “Are you this sensitive when going into business?” Who the hell wouldn’t be upset. My opinions were sort of dismissed. She makes all the decisions for the “company.” I might as well back out. Our target markets are not even similar. She plans to cater to school children while I plan to cater to whoever can and want to buy artsy shoes.

I don’t know how to tell her this without hurting her feelings. Though I think that my failed confrontation a while ago already did.

I really want to make a business out of my passion for funky accessories and clothing. But I don’t want to do it when I have to answer to my mom who doesn’t even see this the same way I do. This was supposed to be my refuge. She just happened to have the financial resources.

I guess I have to find a way to make this work. With or without her. I have to find a way to just follow my passion this time. And not just do something because it makes money.

For me, this business wasn’t going to be about the money. It was going to be about me sharing my passion for artsy shoes and my boyfriend’s talent. It was going to be about me finding a responsibility that I look forward to.

It’s just ruined. For now.

She’s Got Me by…. Me!

I just realized that I have already composed a song! I really didn’t think about it because I wasn’t done with the refinements. But I guess it already counts. Because I have composed a song! I feel so good about myself. I completed it in an hour. But that’s the raw version. I’m still trying to improve the tune. I’ll post a video here if I finish improving the tune.