Tuesday’s Attraction: ?

Honestly, I still don’t know what to write about on Tuesdays. I was thinking maybe about something inspirational or something feel-good-y….. I’m not sure. But I think, this Tuesday I’ll talk about a song I heard on the radio this morning.

Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again

I’ve been kinda paranoid these past few months especially about this new relationship I’m in. I think it’s because of how the previous one ended: the ex had a fling of sorts with another girl. I guess I was scared it would happen again. Until recently, I kept getting scared that my boyfriend would drop me off at my house and I won’t ever see him again. I forgot about my decision to live in the now and to just enjoy the moment. And then, just today, my mind has been plagued with thoughts about things ending suddenly, or him getting tired of me, stuff like that.

I guess hearing that song was a blessing. I should really just live in the now because the future doesn’t really exist except in our minds. In my mind. And this isn’t just about my relationship. It’s applicable in every aspect of my life.  Not the song.  The philosophy of living in the now, I mean.

LIVE IN THE NOW.

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Cheaters and Lovers

I told my sister that I was mad at her last night before sleeping. She had no right to think that I was cheating on Jay. After everything I’ve done for him, with him and to him, does she really think that I can just go and cheat? What the hell?!?! With a good friend, if I might add. A good friend! Ewww! That would make the friendship really weird, won’t it?…. I plan to confront her this morning when she wakes up and tell her what’s up.

And finally, I cried last night. About all the crap that’s been happening between Jay and me. Yes, it’s all been crap. And crap. And even more crap. It hurts a lot to have things hit you in the face even if you’ve had an inkling of their reality for quite some time. To have those things slap you mean that it’s all really true. And you can’t do anything about them.

It hurts to know that my boyfriend is good at lip service. I’ll fight for our relationship, Dens. I’ll never leave you. I’ll make it up to you. Crapola you asshole! Crap!!!!! All fucking lies. And to think I let go of my inhibitions and believed every single word you have ever said! All your dumb excuses and all your rationalizations!!!!! How stupid of me. Yes, I was so stupid. I am so stupid!

I don’t know if we are officially broken up or what. I don’t want to do it over Friendster, you know? That’s so wrong. Even for this messed up crap we’re in. I can’t do that.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t know if he even plans to return all my stuff. Or if he ever plans to have a proper talk with me to determine the end or continuation of this damned relationship.

I think that’s the suckiest thing out of all this: I DON’T KNOW.

/sob