No Freakin’ Passion

These days, I find that I don’t feel passionate about life.  And even with my relationship with Steve, I find that I’m holding back a bit.

I hate feeling this way.

This afternoon, my friends and I had a Christmas/pool party.  There was a karaoke machine so we ended up singing the afternoon away.  I wanted to spend the whole time singing but after a few songs, I started to feel sad.  I could hear my voice and I realized how dead I sounded.

I’m missing something.  Damn it.

I”m really troubled because I don’t feel passion in my life anymore.  And it shows.  I see it in my eyes and in the way I sound when I talk and sing.  It sickens me because I feel like I’m alive but not living.

I used to be so passionate.

I remember being so passionate about being thin.  I didn’t eat anything.  And when I did, I just threw it all up.  I would then exercise compulsively even when I felt lightheaded from not eating anything.  For days, I would only eat 500 calories or less.  Yes, I would spend lots of time counting calories.  It was something that I just felt so strongly about.  My exercise usually was Taebo in the morning and Pilates in the afternoon after classes.  I cultivated my self-disgust and hatred.

I also remember being so passionate about being depressed.  I wanted help but when it was given to me, I shied away from the offer.  I started taking anti-depressants but stopped since they weren’t really working for me.  But I really liked feeling depressed and isolated from the world.  I worked really hard to keep it that way.

I was passionate about swimming, and the flute, and computers, and learning to use Photoshop.  I was really into graphic design for my own pages, however crappy they turned out to be.  I was a very passionate house cleaner; I was very OC about the whole thing.  I was passionate about anime.  I was really into music.  I was a very good joke teller even if most of my jokes were bad ones.  I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But now…. Damn it.  Now, I don’t feel anything for anything.  There must be something I’m willing to invest my whole self in.

I just gotta find it.

Things Unsaid. Part Two.

continuation of Things Unsaid Part One.

6. It’s nice that we’re closer now. Before, I was really shy in your company. I thought that you wouldn’t be able to understand me and my thoughts. But we’re alike in more ways than I thought possible. You are a real friend. You’re one of those few people I can count on. You may be a bit naughty and ungentlemanly but you’re still a very nice guy. You are one of the few guys I have respect for. And thank you for that suprise kiss during my 20th birthday. To me, that was a stepping stone for our friendship. To have a guy kiss me without any malice is a good sign. That was one of the best gifts I have ever received in my life. To me, that was like you telling me that our friendship is pure. And don’t worry, your meant-to-be will come. Just wait. I’ll even personally tell her how lucky she is to have you.

7. I don’t talk to you anymore because I can’t stand how needy and dependent you are. I know I should be more understanding but I can’t take it. You’re a smart girl. You know what you should do. I’ve been trying to help you but it seems that the more I hang out with you, the more I get pulled down with you. I know better so I chose not to stick around. But I know you know that I’m just here for you if you need a friend; I know you find it hard to approach people. Just be open to changes and new things in life. And remember to treat yourself well. Don’t allow that guy to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t depend too much on him. I’ve seen how he lets you down. Tsk tsk tsk. Things will get better. Life is waiting for you… live it and enjoy!

8. I wish I could just go and live my life the way I want it. But as of now, I need your financial assistance. And a little bit of your age-old wisdom and worldly knowledge. I feel sad for you because you never got that school girl romance thing and because of that, you don’t know what to tell me regarding relationships. And since your first and only boyfriend also became your husband, you seem to expect every that every relationship I go into will end in marriage. I don’t know when I’ll get married. Or if I ever do. I’m just enjoying the time with my boyfriend. That’s all. No need to be all serious. But thank you for trying to always be there for me. Thank you for loving me despite all the stupid things I have said and done. I know you weren’t ready for me.

9. I remember when we were still in high school. We were really close friends. It was kind of hard for me, though, because I was depressed that time and you were a really happy-go-lucky person. I felt like I was always raining on your parade. And that one time when you really told me that I was kind of a burden because I kept telling you my problems. You and that stupid kid we hung out with. I think that’s when I didn’t want to hang out with you guys as much as I wanted to. But now, I find that even though we have gone separate ways, we’re still good friends at heart. Not talking for months doesn’t really stop us from sharing things with each other. It’s as if we’ve always been talking and spending time with each other. Hanging out with different crowds doesn’t stop us. It’s amazing. I hope that you’ll get the most out of life. And don’t worry about the stupid fucks that come your way. I know that you know your worth. I just hope that you never ever forget.

10. I don’t know how you’ve been these past 13 years. I hope that you’ve had and have good friends. Because you fuckin’ ruined my life. For just a short time, though. Until I found a good friend in high school who wasn’t “plastic” with me and told me to my face when I was being a bitch. You just plain sucked, you know that? For an 8-year-old, you sure were adept in the ways of the corrupt.

-to be continued-

Things Unsaid. Part One.

This idea came from Meg’s blog, which in turn, she got from her friend Crissy (whoever she may be, hahaha!).

If I could say anything to 15 anonymous people, what would it be?….

1. You are such a stupid fuck, you know that? I gave you everything, my whole fuckin’ life and you threw it all away for some stupid girl who you claim is ugly and is nothing compared to me. You just lost your credibility. You suck. Big time. I wanna be mad at you to make it way more easier to forget you and all that we’ve been through, but I can’t because it’s a waste of my time, energy and emotions. I might as well be investing them in better and more important things. So I will feel nothing for you. Tsk tsk tsk. I believed in you. People never thought you could do such a thing. But hell! You did, you assfuck. You did. Hahaha! And now, at this point, I want to thank you for doing what you did. Because even if it hurt like hell for a while, and you made me not eat and sleep, and you gave me frown lines, you sent me in a better direction. My life is better these days. And I want to thank you for helping me be braver and stronger and surer in myself. You are a stupid fuck but you still managed to help me in the end. Thank you for everything and nothing.

2. I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you. Everything that you make me feel inside. But I’m afraid you’ll get freaked out. Maybe it’s too soon. I don’t know. And when I think about it, you sorta rushed into the most beautiful that has happened in my life. Maybe it’s okay to say all the things I want you to know. I’m so happy to have you. So lucky. And I know that this is what I deserved all along. I want to say that I love you but I’m not sure so I’m not saying anything at all. I know, though, that I want to know you more. Everything about you. When you were still my friend, I thought I knew a lot about you, but you still manage to surprise me. I hope things don’t end too soon. I waited so long for this, you know. I never ever thought this would happen in this lifetime. But it did! Life is so amazing! And the universe is amazing for making things work out for the best. I’m so happy to have someone who doesn’t think books are boring, who thinks that being weird is a good thing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. And thank you for telling me that you’re also lucky to have me in your life. I want you to know that you bring out the best in me. You make me unbipolar. You make less panicky and crazy. You make me want to work on being happy, on feeling better about myself. I think that you deserve someone who can see the best in herself despite everything. Thank you for not running away when I told you my deep, dark secrets. Ooohh! So many things to say, so little time. I know a day will come when things will end in one way or another. I won’t overthink. I’ll just enjoy my time with you. Don’t go – in whatever way – just yet, okay?

3. I’m sorry you had to go away and I’m sorry that I didn’t keep in touch. I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I just wish things will be better between us. I didn’t have any friends when you left, you know. I was depressed and bitter and an isolate. I just wanted you to come back. Now, I try to contact you, but somehow, you don’t write back. Maybe you’re too busy with your job or something. I don’t know. But I just want to be able to tell you all the things that has been happening to me over the four years that you’ve been gone. I want to tell you about all the heartbreaks I’ve had, all the betrayals, all the joys I’ve felt, all the stupid people I’ve gotten to know. I want to tell you about him; I know you’ll approve. I’m sure you’ll like him. I want to know you again. I really miss you. I don’t know if you feel the same way. It’s kinda sad that after all we’ve been through in high school, we don’t talk anymore. What’s even sadder is that you think you can’t just IM me and say “Hey! I got a new puppy!” I thought things we’re that way betweeen us but maybe I was wrong to think so. Anyway, I’m just here, waiting for you to tell me that you have a new puppy, or a new job. Be happy with your man. Be happy with yourself. I love you.

4. I can’t believe things turned out this way for us. I thought we’d be together. Hahaha! That would have been awfully darn weird, methinks. I can’t imagine being your girlfriend and you being my boyfriend. I think we work better being in together in a platonic relationship. And like I said in that letter, we’re really meant to be – in this way. But I’m sad. We don’t talk as much. I miss those nights when we’d be up talking and singing and just being the people we are when the world doesn’t see. I miss the comfort of being with you. Hmm…. And yes, I know that I still have an official guitarist with you. I don’t think that will change. Unless! You injure your hands. Hahaha! I guess that we proved people wrong this time; you can tell a friend that you’re romantically interested in him/her and still end up being good friends. I hope that we stay like this, or grow even closer, until the day we die. And I’m sorry for walking out on you that day in Ayala. I feel bad about being the cause of our first and, so far, only fight. I miss you. I miss us. You’re one of the better things in my life.

5. You took advantage of me. I was crazier than usual for 6 months. I cried to your friggin’ brother at 1 in the morning! Just so you won’t be mad at me. I can’t believe I humiliated myself like that. I betrayed my father’s trust. I compromised my principles and promises to myself. Damn. You took advandtage of my being a noob at the whole thing. But I’ve moved on already. I’m not stuck on you anymore. If I meet you in the streets someday, I’ll give you a second look and continue walking. Oh, but I hope you don’t have a relapse. Drugs can kill. I hope you don’t drink and smoke too much. The last pic I saw of you, you had red eyes and you were stick thin. You looked like hell. Your mom worked hard to help you live clean. Be a good son. And big brother. Be a good person. Amping pirme, diba?

-to be continued-

Tara Road

I bought a novel from Book Sale last Sunday.
It’s called Tara Road by Maeve Binchy. 
It’s a step closer to accomplishing my goal of reading at least 10 books from Oprah’s Book Club. 

Now if I could just finish reading The Scar.

Beggar’s Smile

I don’t remember that day that well. But I do remember that I was a sad, sad girl who had no hope of living and struggling to make school something positive. Those months seemed like such big struggles.

That day, I was feeling very emotional—the sad kind of emotional. Or maybe I was rather reflective that day. I don’t really know how I was that day. I was a mix of emotions that only said one thing: I was missing something.

When I got off the jeepney beside the university, I saw hordes of people walking about, hoping to get to their destinations as quick as possible. It was a late day for me, as it usually was.

Then I noticed this elderly couple.

They were one of the mainstay beggars in the university’s vicinity. I’ve noticed them a couple of times, begging for money or food or whatever anyone would hand them. I’ve felt pity for them lots of time already so I thought that I would get the same feeling from them that day. It turns out that it was them who gave me something I will never ever forget.

It seemed like they were looking for a spot to sit on for the morning. And when the man found it, he flashed a really big smile to the woman. It was such a joyful smile. Not just a simple happy smile that everyone flashes when they get good grades or get a good jeepney ride home or when they get to eat something delicious for lunch. His smile was that of someone who felt this inner joy despite all the bad and wrong things that has happened to him/her. It was such a beautiful, toothless smile.

His smile was so beautiful that it seeped into my very being and made me smile. And just like that, I was happy that day. I was the I’m-so-happy-I-wanna-cry kind of happy.

The feeling stays on despite the months that have passed. It was such a wonderful and good feeling! It makes me wonder if I will ever feel the way he did when he found that shady spot beneath the university billboard. It makes me wonder if I will ever feel that inner joy deep in my heart.

These days, I sometimes I feel like I have. But not quite. Just not quite yet.

“A month is too little, right?”… or something like that.

I felt sad when he said that. As if it didn’t really matter. As if our first month didn’t matter. I said it wasn’t a big deal because I didn’t want to freak him out but I have this thing about celebrating even the tiniest things. As long as it has made someone happy, then it’s worth celebrating. Obviously, he doesn’t feel the same way as I do. And it kind of hurts. To be with someone who claims to be so jaded. I’ve never really known what it’s like to be so jaded that small things remain that way-small, insignificant, not worth a small greeting or celebration.

I don’t know if I should cry or be understanding. I’ve never ever known someone like him. It’s so disconcerting. Sometimes, his attitude pulls me down too. It’s so tiring to resist a force so much stronger than me. But I know deep down that I must resist because I’ve already made a vow that I won’t ever grow tired of the world and all it encompasses-emotions, failures, accomplishments, material possessions, hypocrisy, bigotry, contradictions and all.

I really don’t hope to change him. He’s a stubborn man. I guess all I can do is be myself with him for as long as things permit. Until I can take all these resisting forces.

Flying Objects and Imagined Indifference

Yesterday was totally crazy! It was raining like hell and it was too windy for my taste. They said it was Lando who came for a visit. Signal #1 in some places and #2 in other places. I didn’t really care. I just wanted to go home and sleep my fever off. And guess what. My Physical Science teacher said he was going to hold classes. Stupid man. He said there was no memo of no classes. Aren’t the flickering lights and brown outs every 15 minutes memo enough for you? Or the wind and rain? Or the flocks of students heading out the school building? Tsk tsk tsk.

But the rain was not the thing that bothered me most. It was Steve.

I feel awfully guilty about asking him to come with me to the seamstress in the pouring rain. He got really wet on the way to the place. And then I asked him if he wanted to ride a taxi or a jeepney for our trip back to school. We decided on a taxi. It was all okay until we got to our destination. He had to pay me Php40.00 for the taxi fare. Then when we got off, I noticed that something was on the taxi seat. I thought it was just his pen but “it” was actually his two ball pens and his mobile phone! Waaaaa!!!! He ran after the taxi and got even wetter. The driver probably saw him but didn’t bother to stop anyway. He lost his phone just like that. He said it was okay but I still felt really guilty. I still feel guilty.

And what’s more is he seemed very distant that afternoon. He acted like he didn’t care. It was so weird. I walked to his classroom even with all the wind and rain and all I felt was irritation or something. All I know is that it was a negative emotion. Then I called him when his class was dismissed and he acted, again, irritated. Damn it. I’m probably imagining all this but I don’t know, it seems so real.

It’s been a crazy day. To top it all off, my fever got a bit worse.

But today, the sky is clear and the air is crisp. I don’t know if i should feel better or not. But I’m thinking that maybe I should. It’s too beautiful a day to pass up.