New Blog

So many things have changed since I started this blog (and many others after it).

Please head over to my new blog to find out what’s been going in my life these days.

And I sincerely apologize for not responding to your comments. I lost the password to this account and just found a way to recover it.

http://denistar.wordpress.com

No Freakin’ Passion

These days, I find that I don’t feel passionate about life.  And even with my relationship with Steve, I find that I’m holding back a bit.

I hate feeling this way.

This afternoon, my friends and I had a Christmas/pool party.  There was a karaoke machine so we ended up singing the afternoon away.  I wanted to spend the whole time singing but after a few songs, I started to feel sad.  I could hear my voice and I realized how dead I sounded.

I’m missing something.  Damn it.

I”m really troubled because I don’t feel passion in my life anymore.  And it shows.  I see it in my eyes and in the way I sound when I talk and sing.  It sickens me because I feel like I’m alive but not living.

I used to be so passionate.

I remember being so passionate about being thin.  I didn’t eat anything.  And when I did, I just threw it all up.  I would then exercise compulsively even when I felt lightheaded from not eating anything.  For days, I would only eat 500 calories or less.  Yes, I would spend lots of time counting calories.  It was something that I just felt so strongly about.  My exercise usually was Taebo in the morning and Pilates in the afternoon after classes.  I cultivated my self-disgust and hatred.

I also remember being so passionate about being depressed.  I wanted help but when it was given to me, I shied away from the offer.  I started taking anti-depressants but stopped since they weren’t really working for me.  But I really liked feeling depressed and isolated from the world.  I worked really hard to keep it that way.

I was passionate about swimming, and the flute, and computers, and learning to use Photoshop.  I was really into graphic design for my own pages, however crappy they turned out to be.  I was a very passionate house cleaner; I was very OC about the whole thing.  I was passionate about anime.  I was really into music.  I was a very good joke teller even if most of my jokes were bad ones.  I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But now…. Damn it.  Now, I don’t feel anything for anything.  There must be something I’m willing to invest my whole self in.

I just gotta find it.

Tetris Kills The Pain

I noticed that I’m a bit depressed these days. The kind of depressed I was before. Not going back into the past because this is an all new me feeling utterly down… but I can’t help but wish I was still used to this feeling. It would be a whole lot easier on my part if I still was familiar with this feeling. But alas, I have forgotten what it feels like to be this sad. And it sucks.

I’m feeling very unmotivated. I want to do so many things but I have to push myself really hard just to do the most simple things. All I want to do is cry. I want to have a good cry. Too much inner pain. And too much hope and longing. It sucks. I don’t know exactly why but I just feel this way.

I’m being very emo. Damn it.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep even though I was completely exhausted. I just wanted to fall asleep so I decided to read. But then I somehow found Narnia too exciting. Thankfully, I had tetris to save me from insomia.

I love tetris.

I hate depression.

Moving On….

I broke up with my boyfriend last week Thursday.

I’ve been debating with myself this past week about whether to write about this or not. But I guess that it’s time I do. To signify moving on.

I found out that my ex, then boyfriend, Jay cheated on me. He had a crush or something on this girl and decided that he wanted to do something about it. Maybe he got tired of the way I was being with him or maybe he was just looking for some kind of back up to the fucked up relationship we had… but it doesn’t really matter why he did it because it was wrong, still is, and I don’t know when I will be able to forgive him for this.

These days, I’m just trying to move on. I don’t have any trust left for him now. So getting back together is not an option. Sure, I miss his constant companionship, his amazing voice, his rockin’ guitar skills, his poetry, his kisses… okay, so I miss him. But I guess that’s just normal. It has only been a week, you know? What I don’t miss is him cheating on me, lying in my face, being a lazy ass and all that. Definitely outweighs all the good stuff. And I now know better than to settle for less.

Which brings me to the inevitable: I’ve got a new boyfriend!

Yes! This soon.

But for me it’s okay because I’ve been friends with this guy for almost over a year now. I’ve liked him even when I was with Jay (but I didn’t do anything about it since I’m not that uncontrolled). And it turns out that he likes me back. And so now, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked me last October 19, Friday, after an amazing day of nature tripping and crepe.

My problem now is how to make Jay see that I’ve moved on. He should be moving on too. Because it’s annoying me and Steve (my new guy) that he still keeps calling me by our nicknames and he still keeps telling me that he misses me and he loves me. Maybe if I tell him that I’m already in a relationship, he’ll back off. Hmmm….

So yeah, this is my messed up love life.

Loner Mode

These days, I’ve been back to being the loner person that I really am. It feels so weird to be sitting all alone once again after all the times I’ve spent either being with a couple of friends or being with my boyfriend. I don’t know. I feel sad for myself. I feel pitiful especially when I know my pitifulness can be seen in my eyes. My sad eyes.

They’ve never been happy eyes. Ever. I never remembered them being happy or shining or sparkling. Never ever. Even when my boyfriend Jay came into my life. Sure, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire existence being with him… but my eyes never ever sparkled. It’s so weird. I really thought feeling very happy will cease the death look I have in my eyes. But no…. They’ve stayed the same way. They look the same way. Sad, sleepy. Death stare mode. It sucks.

I have about thirty minutes to kill before the play rehearsals begin and I’m spending it here in an internet cafe. I ate before coming here. I sat at a burger place and ate a three-way burger (ham, cheese, egg + burger patty) all by myself. Looking fat and all alone. And miserable.

I’ve always had this fantasy that I’d be one of those people who look fabulous even when they’re by themselves. Like they own the world or something and they couldn’t care less if they’re walking alone or with a bunch of people they know.

I have a feeling I will never be that way. I will never be that confident. Never that self-assured. So, to hell with me. And all my self-pitiful/self-loathing ways.

PS. It’s so ironic that I’m in a play called friends forever and not everyone in the cast are my friends. They’re more like acquaintances. Maybe after a few more weeks, we’ll be friends. Or maybe I’ll realize how big a mistake I made by joining the cast. We’ll see. We’ll see.

PPS. Our journalism class is covering the university intramurals next week. I’m a reporter and I’ll be doing an article on a Digital Art contest and also of the Intramurals Opening ceremonies, etc. This will be practice for me. I really hope to do well in this. This happens to be our final requirement for the class. I do not want to fail and retake the subject under the same teacher. One semester is enough.

Damn.

The more I feel like I’m beginning to find myself, the more I feel like I’m losing the essence of my being.

Go figure.

Web of Life

I just read Mitch Albom’s book Five People You’ll Meet In Heaven last night and that got me thinking: ‘who will I meet in heaven?’ It was so interesting how Eddie met all those people, only two of them he really knew. The others were people whom he came across with for a split second, a stranger and even someone whom he barely saw. But no matter how short the time he encountered them, they became a part of his in one way or another.

It was such an amazing book. It affirmed my belief in the saying that everyone and everything in our world is interconnected. We really cannot do away with the people around us because directly, or indirectly, they affect us.

I don’t know who I have affected in my short time on earth. But I’ll be thinking of the people I will meet in heaven. Or who might be waiting for me.