Tuesday’s Attraction: ?

Honestly, I still don’t know what to write about on Tuesdays. I was thinking maybe about something inspirational or something feel-good-y….. I’m not sure. But I think, this Tuesday I’ll talk about a song I heard on the radio this morning.

Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again

I’ve been kinda paranoid these past few months especially about this new relationship I’m in. I think it’s because of how the previous one ended: the ex had a fling of sorts with another girl. I guess I was scared it would happen again. Until recently, I kept getting scared that my boyfriend would drop me off at my house and I won’t ever see him again. I forgot about my decision to live in the now and to just enjoy the moment. And then, just today, my mind has been plagued with thoughts about things ending suddenly, or him getting tired of me, stuff like that.

I guess hearing that song was a blessing. I should really just live in the now because the future doesn’t really exist except in our minds. In my mind. And this isn’t just about my relationship. It’s applicable in every aspect of my life.  Not the song.  The philosophy of living in the now, I mean.

LIVE IN THE NOW.

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“A month is too little, right?”… or something like that.

I felt sad when he said that. As if it didn’t really matter. As if our first month didn’t matter. I said it wasn’t a big deal because I didn’t want to freak him out but I have this thing about celebrating even the tiniest things. As long as it has made someone happy, then it’s worth celebrating. Obviously, he doesn’t feel the same way as I do. And it kind of hurts. To be with someone who claims to be so jaded. I’ve never really known what it’s like to be so jaded that small things remain that way-small, insignificant, not worth a small greeting or celebration.

I don’t know if I should cry or be understanding. I’ve never ever known someone like him. It’s so disconcerting. Sometimes, his attitude pulls me down too. It’s so tiring to resist a force so much stronger than me. But I know deep down that I must resist because I’ve already made a vow that I won’t ever grow tired of the world and all it encompasses-emotions, failures, accomplishments, material possessions, hypocrisy, bigotry, contradictions and all.

I really don’t hope to change him. He’s a stubborn man. I guess all I can do is be myself with him for as long as things permit. Until I can take all these resisting forces.

Flying Objects and Imagined Indifference

Yesterday was totally crazy! It was raining like hell and it was too windy for my taste. They said it was Lando who came for a visit. Signal #1 in some places and #2 in other places. I didn’t really care. I just wanted to go home and sleep my fever off. And guess what. My Physical Science teacher said he was going to hold classes. Stupid man. He said there was no memo of no classes. Aren’t the flickering lights and brown outs every 15 minutes memo enough for you? Or the wind and rain? Or the flocks of students heading out the school building? Tsk tsk tsk.

But the rain was not the thing that bothered me most. It was Steve.

I feel awfully guilty about asking him to come with me to the seamstress in the pouring rain. He got really wet on the way to the place. And then I asked him if he wanted to ride a taxi or a jeepney for our trip back to school. We decided on a taxi. It was all okay until we got to our destination. He had to pay me Php40.00 for the taxi fare. Then when we got off, I noticed that something was on the taxi seat. I thought it was just his pen but “it” was actually his two ball pens and his mobile phone! Waaaaa!!!! He ran after the taxi and got even wetter. The driver probably saw him but didn’t bother to stop anyway. He lost his phone just like that. He said it was okay but I still felt really guilty. I still feel guilty.

And what’s more is he seemed very distant that afternoon. He acted like he didn’t care. It was so weird. I walked to his classroom even with all the wind and rain and all I felt was irritation or something. All I know is that it was a negative emotion. Then I called him when his class was dismissed and he acted, again, irritated. Damn it. I’m probably imagining all this but I don’t know, it seems so real.

It’s been a crazy day. To top it all off, my fever got a bit worse.

But today, the sky is clear and the air is crisp. I don’t know if i should feel better or not. But I’m thinking that maybe I should. It’s too beautiful a day to pass up.

Something Deeper

Me and Steve!Last night, I went out with my new boyfriend Steve. It was so much fun. I got to meet his friends who turned out to be really nice people. We went out drinking (but I didn’t drink; I don’t drink…) and just talked and had fun. His sister and her boyfriend made fun of us, clinking the beer bottles and chanting “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Then when I didn’t see it coming, he gave me our first public kiss. After that, I just couldn’t stop kissing him. Hahaha. I have this thing with kissing. I really like it. On the cheeks, on my hand, a smack, a full snogging session. I don’t know. I think it’s sexier and more exciting than sex.

Anyway, the thing with me and Steve is we have this connection that goes beyond physical. Not to be shallow or anything, just being frank and all, he is not my type physically. I like guys who are tall, lanky (those with a typical skater boy physique) and someone with a bit of color. But he’s kinda overweight (in his own words) and pale (still his own words). But he’s really smart, really open *evil laugh*, mellow (opposite of me), really nice and sweet. He’s nothing like anyone I’ve ever dated–as they’ve all been a-holes, jerks, fucktards and freeloaders. Plus, I love his hair and his eyes. I hope he never cuts his hair. And his eyes, they make me feel like Helga from Hey Arnold. Go figure.

My favorite thing about him is how I can talk to him about anything. In more ways than I could with Jay. If I thought that I could say anything to Jay, I was wrong. Because with Steve, ‘anything’ involves the past, the crappy, the funny, the intellectual, the creative, the erotic, the nonsense, the future… and so many more. I think it helped that we were friends for more than a year before becoming a couple.

I’m so happy I said yes to him. He really respects me. And he’s so sweet. I have no regrets because for the present, I’m happy with him.