No Freakin’ Passion

These days, I find that I don’t feel passionate about life.  And even with my relationship with Steve, I find that I’m holding back a bit.

I hate feeling this way.

This afternoon, my friends and I had a Christmas/pool party.  There was a karaoke machine so we ended up singing the afternoon away.  I wanted to spend the whole time singing but after a few songs, I started to feel sad.  I could hear my voice and I realized how dead I sounded.

I’m missing something.  Damn it.

I”m really troubled because I don’t feel passion in my life anymore.  And it shows.  I see it in my eyes and in the way I sound when I talk and sing.  It sickens me because I feel like I’m alive but not living.

I used to be so passionate.

I remember being so passionate about being thin.  I didn’t eat anything.  And when I did, I just threw it all up.  I would then exercise compulsively even when I felt lightheaded from not eating anything.  For days, I would only eat 500 calories or less.  Yes, I would spend lots of time counting calories.  It was something that I just felt so strongly about.  My exercise usually was Taebo in the morning and Pilates in the afternoon after classes.  I cultivated my self-disgust and hatred.

I also remember being so passionate about being depressed.  I wanted help but when it was given to me, I shied away from the offer.  I started taking anti-depressants but stopped since they weren’t really working for me.  But I really liked feeling depressed and isolated from the world.  I worked really hard to keep it that way.

I was passionate about swimming, and the flute, and computers, and learning to use Photoshop.  I was really into graphic design for my own pages, however crappy they turned out to be.  I was a very passionate house cleaner; I was very OC about the whole thing.  I was passionate about anime.  I was really into music.  I was a very good joke teller even if most of my jokes were bad ones.  I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But now…. Damn it.  Now, I don’t feel anything for anything.  There must be something I’m willing to invest my whole self in.

I just gotta find it.

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2 Responses

  1. Hope you find that thing which you would love doing.
    Nice post.

  2. Thank you. Now, I’m into jewelry making and sewing random stuff. And reading. I’m into reading again.

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