Loner Mode

These days, I’ve been back to being the loner person that I really am. It feels so weird to be sitting all alone once again after all the times I’ve spent either being with a couple of friends or being with my boyfriend. I don’t know. I feel sad for myself. I feel pitiful especially when I know my pitifulness can be seen in my eyes. My sad eyes.

They’ve never been happy eyes. Ever. I never remembered them being happy or shining or sparkling. Never ever. Even when my boyfriend Jay came into my life. Sure, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire existence being with him… but my eyes never ever sparkled. It’s so weird. I really thought feeling very happy will cease the death look I have in my eyes. But no…. They’ve stayed the same way. They look the same way. Sad, sleepy. Death stare mode. It sucks.

I have about thirty minutes to kill before the play rehearsals begin and I’m spending it here in an internet cafe. I ate before coming here. I sat at a burger place and ate a three-way burger (ham, cheese, egg + burger patty) all by myself. Looking fat and all alone. And miserable.

I’ve always had this fantasy that I’d be one of those people who look fabulous even when they’re by themselves. Like they own the world or something and they couldn’t care less if they’re walking alone or with a bunch of people they know.

I have a feeling I will never be that way. I will never be that confident. Never that self-assured. So, to hell with me. And all my self-pitiful/self-loathing ways.

PS. It’s so ironic that I’m in a play called friends forever and not everyone in the cast are my friends. They’re more like acquaintances. Maybe after a few more weeks, we’ll be friends. Or maybe I’ll realize how big a mistake I made by joining the cast. We’ll see. We’ll see.

PPS. Our journalism class is covering the university intramurals next week. I’m a reporter and I’ll be doing an article on a Digital Art contest and also of the Intramurals Opening ceremonies, etc. This will be practice for me. I really hope to do well in this. This happens to be our final requirement for the class. I do not want to fail and retake the subject under the same teacher. One semester is enough.


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