Humanoid Me.

Like the classic programming exercise, I would like to say “Hello world!” It’s been so darn long since my fingers grazed the keyboard to produce any sensible sentence. But now I’m back. I have been so busy for the past few weeks because of school finals. I kind of lost myself for a while there. It got me depressed for a short while. I didn’t want to see anyone. Or talk to anyone. Or even think of being anything for that time. Then I had this amazing epiphany! But that’s for no one else but me.

Anyway, because of that epiphany, I decided to visit my blog once again and write down all the things that I’ve held inside for such a long time now. My issue was finding myself again. Or going back to my journey of self-realization. My boyfriend and I had this talk/argument about ignoring what others think of me and I was happy we had that. It was an outside-looking-in experience. I’m a very contradictory person in thoughts, words and deeds. So when Jay, my boyfriend, pointed that out, I was happy to hear it from someone other than myself. Our conversation kind of went this way:

Jay: How can you care what others think?!
Me: (silence)
Jay: Look at yourself! You’re sitting on the ground by the street as if you’re not a girl.
Me: So? This is different.
Jay: How is it different? It’s the same!
Me: (embarrassed silence… I knew he was right.)
Jay: You don’t care if people see you sitting like some guy on the sidewalk but you care that people think you’re fat or something?! You must be crazy!

But in the end, we laughed it off and I got a better view of myself. Point was, I needed to be consistent. If I don’t care what others say about this one area of my life, then why should I go wasting my time caring what they think in this other part of my life?

One of the most inspiring things that I have read the past two days was the book Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. I’ve read the book for approximately three times now but every time I read it, I get new insight and realizations. But basically, it all revolves around non-conformity. The new insight I got was about being in touch with the world spirit.

Now, I’ve been trying to steer clear of my usual line of thoughts that run from “What does he think?” and “Do they think I look weird?” I’m trying more to enjoy the moments in life as I celebrate it everyday with the things I do. And I’m trying my hardest to be connected to the world spirit. To be in touch with the other souls in the universe. I’m also trying to have this great compassion for people where I try not to hate them or to hold grudges of any sort. It’s really hard, you know. Especially when I’ve been wired to be distrustful and hateful.

But anyway, I still have my long (trying to be optimistic here people), uncertain and beautiful future ahead of me. I’m going to work hard on trying to connect, live and love.


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