No Freakin’ Passion

These days, I find that I don’t feel passionate about life.  And even with my relationship with Steve, I find that I’m holding back a bit.

I hate feeling this way.

This afternoon, my friends and I had a Christmas/pool party.  There was a karaoke machine so we ended up singing the afternoon away.  I wanted to spend the whole time singing but after a few songs, I started to feel sad.  I could hear my voice and I realized how dead I sounded.

I’m missing something.  Damn it.

I”m really troubled because I don’t feel passion in my life anymore.  And it shows.  I see it in my eyes and in the way I sound when I talk and sing.  It sickens me because I feel like I’m alive but not living.

I used to be so passionate.

I remember being so passionate about being thin.  I didn’t eat anything.  And when I did, I just threw it all up.  I would then exercise compulsively even when I felt lightheaded from not eating anything.  For days, I would only eat 500 calories or less.  Yes, I would spend lots of time counting calories.  It was something that I just felt so strongly about.  My exercise usually was Taebo in the morning and Pilates in the afternoon after classes.  I cultivated my self-disgust and hatred.

I also remember being so passionate about being depressed.  I wanted help but when it was given to me, I shied away from the offer.  I started taking anti-depressants but stopped since they weren’t really working for me.  But I really liked feeling depressed and isolated from the world.  I worked really hard to keep it that way.

I was passionate about swimming, and the flute, and computers, and learning to use Photoshop.  I was really into graphic design for my own pages, however crappy they turned out to be.  I was a very passionate house cleaner; I was very OC about the whole thing.  I was passionate about anime.  I was really into music.  I was a very good joke teller even if most of my jokes were bad ones.  I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But now…. Damn it.  Now, I don’t feel anything for anything.  There must be something I’m willing to invest my whole self in.

I just gotta find it.