A Recap of 2007

This is how my 2007 went in terms of my 101-in-1001 list.

7. level up Ragnarok priestess to 99/70
I’ve decided that I won’t do this anymore since the Philippine Ragnarok Online Community pretty much sucks now no matter how they try to revive it.  Too many bots and too little people who actually play.  I don’t really want to waste my money on this even if I totally enjoy playing.  I think I’ll spend my money on something more beneficial… and maybe morally uplifting.

9. learn to decently play the brass flute and perform 3 pieces
I started relearning to play the flute last December.  So far, I know 5 notes: F, E flat, C, D, and B flat.  I tried playing Mary Had a Little Lamb but I think I’m not ready yet.  Got to keep practicing!  And I think that sooner or later, I have to find a teacher who can help with the scales and more advanced stuff.

16. learn to bake: COOKIES!
Yes, I have finally learned how to bake cookies.  My new boyfriend Steve taught me.  We made really rich and stroke-inducing cookies.  It’s actually really easy.  I thought it would be rocket science or something.  But all you have to do is measure the ingredients, mix them all together, put on the pan and bake them!  I’m going to try baking cookies on my own one of these days.

20. learn to type with proper fingers
I’m happy to say that I finally can type without always looking at the keyboard!  Woot woot!  But I’m still at 40 wpm on the average.  I’ll keep practicing.

29. no junk food, candies and sweets for 3 months
It was really hard at first but I must say that it was a very effective diet plan.  I felt cleaner, lighter and freer.

32. learn about Greenpeace, join and be active
No success here.  They were at the mall again a few months back and I still didn’t sign up.  I feel bad about myself.

33. be a Habitat for Humanity volunteer
I tried contacting them through their website but no one has tried to get in touch with me.  I even filled out that volunteer form but still nothing.  Their office here in Cebu is really out of my way so I can’t just go there when I so please.  Hohum.

38. have an inventory of the clothes I have and donate those that I will never ever wear
Yes! Finally did this!  I thought this would never get done.  And amazingly, my sister’s clothes got sorted too.  I thought that we would be naked after the whole thing but fortunately, we still had some clothes left to wear.  And you won’t believe how much clothing we gave away to our relatives.  I totally forgot to take pictures because this goal slipped my mind. We were busy cleaning up the whole room, too.

76. walk 100 miles
This is going at a snail’s pace because 1) I am lazy, 2) School keeps me up at night sometimes and 3) I keep getting cough and colds.  I wonder when I’ll be able to finish this.

83. buy Php 300 Smart load using my own money
I don’t really use my Smart sim that much so maybe that’s why I never made an effort to spend my money on load.  I did start using Sun Cellular last December.  And I did buy Php300 Sun load with my own money. I guess I’m crossing this off then.  This is not even a technicality. I’m going to have to buy my Sun load with my own money every month.

I really hope that 2008 will be a more productive, focused and aware year for me.  I’m still getting the hang of this.

Tuesday’s Attraction: ?

Honestly, I still don’t know what to write about on Tuesdays. I was thinking maybe about something inspirational or something feel-good-y….. I’m not sure. But I think, this Tuesday I’ll talk about a song I heard on the radio this morning.

Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again

I’ve been kinda paranoid these past few months especially about this new relationship I’m in. I think it’s because of how the previous one ended: the ex had a fling of sorts with another girl. I guess I was scared it would happen again. Until recently, I kept getting scared that my boyfriend would drop me off at my house and I won’t ever see him again. I forgot about my decision to live in the now and to just enjoy the moment. And then, just today, my mind has been plagued with thoughts about things ending suddenly, or him getting tired of me, stuff like that.

I guess hearing that song was a blessing. I should really just live in the now because the future doesn’t really exist except in our minds. In my mind. And this isn’t just about my relationship. It’s applicable in every aspect of my life.  Not the song.  The philosophy of living in the now, I mean.

LIVE IN THE NOW.

We have some progress!

Actually, it’s just tiny.  I read two books from Oprah’s Book Club.  I’ll try writing something about it soon.  Like this week.

Weeeee!

Music Monday!

For the theme of this day, I am absolutely sure of! Music is the perfect way to start off the hectic week ahead. I’ll try to include all kinds of music, that’s my promise. I’m not the same person as before who didn’t appreciate anything if it didn’t have distorted guitar riffs and screaming. My taste has considerably widened over the past several months. I won’t even try to give commentaries or whatever about how they sing or play or where the artists stand in comparison to other artists. I am humble enough to admit that I have no authority to do so. I just like music and the high it gives me. And I must admit, I am more of an emotional listener and I look out more for the lyrics and message of the song. The technical side is not really my specialty.

~*~

I’ll start the year off with three songs that I recently took a liking to.

Colbie Caillat – Realize

I liked her song Bubbly but I like this one so much better. There is a more melancholic feel to this song and these days, that’s how I feel. When I first heard this songI think I would like to post this in my ex’s Friendster comment box but then, I don’t think there is a need. He’s suffered enough.

This song also makes me think of the times when I made realizations too late or when my epiphany came a moment too late (But then again, at least I learned something, right?… Than none at all! That would have been much worse….). Life’s weird in so many ways.

Flyleaf – Fully Alive

I just discovered Flyleaf last year probably because I’ve been living in a cave all these years. Or maybe because I didn’t really want to listen to them before. I think Lacey has a really nice voice, not always pleasant to listen to – can get nasally or something -, but it’s not that bad that I wouldn’t like them or their songs.

I really want to feel the way she describes the persona in the song (Layla, I guess…): ready to smile, believes in some kind of future, ready to love and embrace life…. I guess FULLY ALIVE.

Duncan Sheik – For You

I think that next to Adam Sandler’s Grow Old With You, this is one of the sweetest songs anyone can sing to the love of their life. It’s short but truly heartfelt.

~*~

I guess that’s it for this week.

Oh, and I just want to say that I can’t live without music.  It’s an addiction that I don’t want to get rid of.  I hope I’ll be addicted forever.  It’s my lifeline.  I’m addicted to the emotional side of it more than technical but still, I’m addicted.  Once, I went on a hiatus and listened to almost nothing except what I heard on the road and in vehicles… I almost went crazy!  But I think it did me a bit of good.  It made me more open to different kinds of music genres because it kind of removed most of my definitions/expectations/judgments about music.  I emptied myself, so to speak, and allowed more beautiful things to fill me.

Hope, Love and Peace everyone!(^_^)\/

Boring Mondays

It’s the day to go to my classes again but I’m here at home, bumming around, doing nothing productive. I just want to give up this time and let myself rot from the lack of education. I’ve hated school anyway even if I did good in my classes and was usually in the upper half of the class. The only good thing about it now is my boyfriend.

But….

Actually, I’m depressed and sick. A little bit of both. I’ve been up all day yesterday reading till 4 am. And in between the pages, I’ve been crying during the most random times.

So here I am, updating my blogs and doing a little youtube with our 56k connection. I don’t like waiting. I like the pain I get from waiting. I’m a masochist so I can stand the loading time. Anyway, since my hard disk got wiped out from the power surge several months ago last year, my music library now sucks. I’m not really in the mood for Steve’s Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins, so I didn’t bother with the mp3 cds he lent me.

I really hate the way my year is starting. But maybe I’ve brought this on myself with all the negative energy that’s been building up in my during the last quarter of 2007. The law of attraction, so they’ve said. Oh, boy! If that’s the case, then I guess I better prepare myself for loads of unfortunate stuff this first part of 2008. But then maybe, if I change the way I think as early as today, then maybe my luck will change.

If it wasn’t for Steve and our freakin’ thesis paper, I would withdraw from all my subjects now.

But so much for my unfortunate start-of-the-year.

What I want to tell whoever stumbles on my blog that I am taking on a new thing here: THEMES!!! Yes, themes for a certain day of the week. So I’ll be posting more regularly and with more variation but still within my interests. Isn’t that great? Hahahaha! I think that I’m the only one thrilled by it. But hey, what the heck?! I’ll enjoy it, anyhow.

Here are my ideas for the themes:

Monday – Music Monday (What better way to start a hectic week!)

Tuesday -

Wednesday -

Thursday -

Friday -

Saturday -

Sunday – Something-for-Someone Sunday (I think I’ll do something -big/small – for someone… even someone I don’t really know that well. It will be my day to do something grand amidst all the little good deeds I’ll try to do during the week.)

This was really just a spur of the moment decision so I haven’t really thought of anything yet. Expect this month to be the trial period for this mini-project.

Have an amazing 2008 everyone!

Day 1: 365 Days Project

This is a side project I’m doing.  I know I’ve been slacking off on my 101 goals but I don’t know, vanity calls.

I’ll be posting the pictures one day late most of the time.  Depends on what time I get to take the picture and go online to post.

Taken: Jan. 1, 2008

Day 2 (Jan. 2, 2008) coming up!

No Freakin’ Passion

These days, I find that I don’t feel passionate about life.  And even with my relationship with Steve, I find that I’m holding back a bit.

I hate feeling this way.

This afternoon, my friends and I had a Christmas/pool party.  There was a karaoke machine so we ended up singing the afternoon away.  I wanted to spend the whole time singing but after a few songs, I started to feel sad.  I could hear my voice and I realized how dead I sounded.

I’m missing something.  Damn it.

I”m really troubled because I don’t feel passion in my life anymore.  And it shows.  I see it in my eyes and in the way I sound when I talk and sing.  It sickens me because I feel like I’m alive but not living.

I used to be so passionate.

I remember being so passionate about being thin.  I didn’t eat anything.  And when I did, I just threw it all up.  I would then exercise compulsively even when I felt lightheaded from not eating anything.  For days, I would only eat 500 calories or less.  Yes, I would spend lots of time counting calories.  It was something that I just felt so strongly about.  My exercise usually was Taebo in the morning and Pilates in the afternoon after classes.  I cultivated my self-disgust and hatred.

I also remember being so passionate about being depressed.  I wanted help but when it was given to me, I shied away from the offer.  I started taking anti-depressants but stopped since they weren’t really working for me.  But I really liked feeling depressed and isolated from the world.  I worked really hard to keep it that way.

I was passionate about swimming, and the flute, and computers, and learning to use Photoshop.  I was really into graphic design for my own pages, however crappy they turned out to be.  I was a very passionate house cleaner; I was very OC about the whole thing.  I was passionate about anime.  I was really into music.  I was a very good joke teller even if most of my jokes were bad ones.  I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But now…. Damn it.  Now, I don’t feel anything for anything.  There must be something I’m willing to invest my whole self in.

I just gotta find it.

Things Unsaid. Part Two.

continuation of Things Unsaid Part One.

6. It’s nice that we’re closer now. Before, I was really shy in your company. I thought that you wouldn’t be able to understand me and my thoughts. But we’re alike in more ways than I thought possible. You are a real friend. You’re one of those few people I can count on. You may be a bit naughty and ungentlemanly but you’re still a very nice guy. You are one of the few guys I have respect for. And thank you for that suprise kiss during my 20th birthday. To me, that was a stepping stone for our friendship. To have a guy kiss me without any malice is a good sign. That was one of the best gifts I have ever received in my life. To me, that was like you telling me that our friendship is pure. And don’t worry, your meant-to-be will come. Just wait. I’ll even personally tell her how lucky she is to have you.

7. I don’t talk to you anymore because I can’t stand how needy and dependent you are. I know I should be more understanding but I can’t take it. You’re a smart girl. You know what you should do. I’ve been trying to help you but it seems that the more I hang out with you, the more I get pulled down with you. I know better so I chose not to stick around. But I know you know that I’m just here for you if you need a friend; I know you find it hard to approach people. Just be open to changes and new things in life. And remember to treat yourself well. Don’t allow that guy to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t depend too much on him. I’ve seen how he lets you down. Tsk tsk tsk. Things will get better. Life is waiting for you… live it and enjoy!

8. I wish I could just go and live my life the way I want it. But as of now, I need your financial assistance. And a little bit of your age-old wisdom and worldly knowledge. I feel sad for you because you never got that school girl romance thing and because of that, you don’t know what to tell me regarding relationships. And since your first and only boyfriend also became your husband, you seem to expect every that every relationship I go into will end in marriage. I don’t know when I’ll get married. Or if I ever do. I’m just enjoying the time with my boyfriend. That’s all. No need to be all serious. But thank you for trying to always be there for me. Thank you for loving me despite all the stupid things I have said and done. I know you weren’t ready for me.

9. I remember when we were still in high school. We were really close friends. It was kind of hard for me, though, because I was depressed that time and you were a really happy-go-lucky person. I felt like I was always raining on your parade. And that one time when you really told me that I was kind of a burden because I kept telling you my problems. You and that stupid kid we hung out with. I think that’s when I didn’t want to hang out with you guys as much as I wanted to. But now, I find that even though we have gone separate ways, we’re still good friends at heart. Not talking for months doesn’t really stop us from sharing things with each other. It’s as if we’ve always been talking and spending time with each other. Hanging out with different crowds doesn’t stop us. It’s amazing. I hope that you’ll get the most out of life. And don’t worry about the stupid fucks that come your way. I know that you know your worth. I just hope that you never ever forget.

10. I don’t know how you’ve been these past 13 years. I hope that you’ve had and have good friends. Because you fuckin’ ruined my life. For just a short time, though. Until I found a good friend in high school who wasn’t “plastic” with me and told me to my face when I was being a bitch. You just plain sucked, you know that? For an 8-year-old, you sure were adept in the ways of the corrupt.

-to be continued-

Things Unsaid. Part One.

This idea came from Meg’s blog, which in turn, she got from her friend Crissy (whoever she may be, hahaha!).

If I could say anything to 15 anonymous people, what would it be?….

1. You are such a stupid fuck, you know that? I gave you everything, my whole fuckin’ life and you threw it all away for some stupid girl who you claim is ugly and is nothing compared to me. You just lost your credibility. You suck. Big time. I wanna be mad at you to make it way more easier to forget you and all that we’ve been through, but I can’t because it’s a waste of my time, energy and emotions. I might as well be investing them in better and more important things. So I will feel nothing for you. Tsk tsk tsk. I believed in you. People never thought you could do such a thing. But hell! You did, you assfuck. You did. Hahaha! And now, at this point, I want to thank you for doing what you did. Because even if it hurt like hell for a while, and you made me not eat and sleep, and you gave me frown lines, you sent me in a better direction. My life is better these days. And I want to thank you for helping me be braver and stronger and surer in myself. You are a stupid fuck but you still managed to help me in the end. Thank you for everything and nothing.

2. I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you. Everything that you make me feel inside. But I’m afraid you’ll get freaked out. Maybe it’s too soon. I don’t know. And when I think about it, you sorta rushed into the most beautiful that has happened in my life. Maybe it’s okay to say all the things I want you to know. I’m so happy to have you. So lucky. And I know that this is what I deserved all along. I want to say that I love you but I’m not sure so I’m not saying anything at all. I know, though, that I want to know you more. Everything about you. When you were still my friend, I thought I knew a lot about you, but you still manage to surprise me. I hope things don’t end too soon. I waited so long for this, you know. I never ever thought this would happen in this lifetime. But it did! Life is so amazing! And the universe is amazing for making things work out for the best. I’m so happy to have someone who doesn’t think books are boring, who thinks that being weird is a good thing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. And thank you for telling me that you’re also lucky to have me in your life. I want you to know that you bring out the best in me. You make me unbipolar. You make less panicky and crazy. You make me want to work on being happy, on feeling better about myself. I think that you deserve someone who can see the best in herself despite everything. Thank you for not running away when I told you my deep, dark secrets. Ooohh! So many things to say, so little time. I know a day will come when things will end in one way or another. I won’t overthink. I’ll just enjoy my time with you. Don’t go – in whatever way – just yet, okay?

3. I’m sorry you had to go away and I’m sorry that I didn’t keep in touch. I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I just wish things will be better between us. I didn’t have any friends when you left, you know. I was depressed and bitter and an isolate. I just wanted you to come back. Now, I try to contact you, but somehow, you don’t write back. Maybe you’re too busy with your job or something. I don’t know. But I just want to be able to tell you all the things that has been happening to me over the four years that you’ve been gone. I want to tell you about all the heartbreaks I’ve had, all the betrayals, all the joys I’ve felt, all the stupid people I’ve gotten to know. I want to tell you about him; I know you’ll approve. I’m sure you’ll like him. I want to know you again. I really miss you. I don’t know if you feel the same way. It’s kinda sad that after all we’ve been through in high school, we don’t talk anymore. What’s even sadder is that you think you can’t just IM me and say “Hey! I got a new puppy!” I thought things we’re that way betweeen us but maybe I was wrong to think so. Anyway, I’m just here, waiting for you to tell me that you have a new puppy, or a new job. Be happy with your man. Be happy with yourself. I love you.

4. I can’t believe things turned out this way for us. I thought we’d be together. Hahaha! That would have been awfully darn weird, methinks. I can’t imagine being your girlfriend and you being my boyfriend. I think we work better being in together in a platonic relationship. And like I said in that letter, we’re really meant to be – in this way. But I’m sad. We don’t talk as much. I miss those nights when we’d be up talking and singing and just being the people we are when the world doesn’t see. I miss the comfort of being with you. Hmm…. And yes, I know that I still have an official guitarist with you. I don’t think that will change. Unless! You injure your hands. Hahaha! I guess that we proved people wrong this time; you can tell a friend that you’re romantically interested in him/her and still end up being good friends. I hope that we stay like this, or grow even closer, until the day we die. And I’m sorry for walking out on you that day in Ayala. I feel bad about being the cause of our first and, so far, only fight. I miss you. I miss us. You’re one of the better things in my life.

5. You took advantage of me. I was crazier than usual for 6 months. I cried to your friggin’ brother at 1 in the morning! Just so you won’t be mad at me. I can’t believe I humiliated myself like that. I betrayed my father’s trust. I compromised my principles and promises to myself. Damn. You took advandtage of my being a noob at the whole thing. But I’ve moved on already. I’m not stuck on you anymore. If I meet you in the streets someday, I’ll give you a second look and continue walking. Oh, but I hope you don’t have a relapse. Drugs can kill. I hope you don’t drink and smoke too much. The last pic I saw of you, you had red eyes and you were stick thin. You looked like hell. Your mom worked hard to help you live clean. Be a good son. And big brother. Be a good person. Amping pirme, diba?

-to be continued-

Tara Road

I bought a novel from Book Sale last Sunday.
It’s called Tara Road by Maeve Binchy. 
It’s a step closer to accomplishing my goal of reading at least 10 books from Oprah’s Book Club. 

Now if I could just finish reading The Scar.